me and mr toast


My last post was like 8 years ago. Now I live in Key West and am at Senor Frogs. Is this a good idea? Eh. How are y'all?
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me and mr toast



I'm Matt.

Remember me?

I'm a little balder now since my last post, no joke, but I am equally awesome.

And -- and! -- I have now migrated my bloggery over to a real live website. Y'all can keep up with me at, or via the handy lj feed I rolled for said site: noslowallgo

Keep on keepin' on. Hope to see y'all over on my corner of the internets.
me and mr toast

25 Things That Are About Me

dudes, in the words of bret michaels: whassagoinon?

it has, as usual, been awhile. but, this time, in lieu of recapping the last couple weeks of awesome, i shall get my blogspiration from the roughly 65 people on facebook that have tagged me for the 'tell us 25 things about you' meme, and do just that ...

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holy crap, that was long. i tag any of the six people on the internet who haven't yet done this.
dick ass

you can't spell 'we pretty much kick ass' without 'epic' ...

... and the last few nights have been nothing if not epic.

(incidentally, last weekend, we contested the zod cup -- recreational bowling's most coveted spray-paint-covered trophy, in reasonably epic fashion, and saw reel big fish and streetlight manifesto at a club of the very same name. awesome show, and a good reminder that people in minneapolis still occasionally deign to dance while a rock band's playing, but that is not what we're here to talk about.)

after a combination of the weather being ass-cold and jenni feeling ill had kept us cooped up in the house for far too many days running, we decided wednesday night was alright for fighting. in the absence of a boxing ring and/or an easily accessible octagon, however, it wound up also being alright for the pub quiz at merlins rest, my favorite british/nerd bar. jenni and i made our way over there, freezing the entire journey; we were joined by dan a few questions in, and proceeded to pretty much whup up on trivia like the lakers beat the supersonics.

a trivia win, and the accompanying free drink, later, we opted for darts, because when you can't quite feel your hands and you've got a buzz, the correct thing to do is throw pointy objects. and, while i'm not sure whether it was the copious cider or our sparkling wit and preponderance of at-the-ready milf jokes, about halfway through the game we found ourselves unable to stop cracking up over cougar darts.

particularly when dan began impersonating the cougar. (the darts one, not, like, felicity huffman or whatever.)

regardless, it was a successful night of drinking and remembering things and laughing until our sides hurt, and, as a result, jenni's cold got worse to the point where she had to call in sick yesterday. fortunately, after a reasonably humdrum workday (for me) and sick day (for her), things picked up in a manner that i can only describe -- which you'll guess, if you've been reading -- as epic. to wit: we arrived at our usual thursday night bowling alley early, both to get some pre-bowling drinks and to make sure missy didn't have to sit by herself at a bowling alley bar, because, really, that's a sadder prospect than an unemployed mall santa on the curb with a bottle of night train.

we did so, then proceeded to total victory in two of three bowling games -- including one on which a pitcher of beer was riding. (our opposition team, being a bunch of bros from wisconsin, graciously bought us miller lite, so it was something of a pyrrhic victory.) between the glorious and heady sensation of victory, the somewhat-less-glorious and no-less-heady sensation of drinking about sixteen gallons of beer, and the amount of bemused discussion over the possibility of 'zen rage' and its impact on jenni's bowling (as part of a long-held metaphor about angry koi, which i could spend three semesters of a college course trying and failing to explain), it was excellent indeed.

and then we got home. and my beloved golden gophers, basketball edition, were playing -- and losing -- to the hated badgers, on said hated team's hated home court. i was excited to watch the game's end, until our 12-point deficit and the never-call-anything-against-the-home-team officiating finally drove me to turn it off and watch top chef.

that lasted about five minutes, until twitter kindly informed us that the gophers were a mere point down, so we came reluctantly but hopefully back. as did our team. they scored. and yelled. as did i, to the point where it was indistinguishable from me watching a hockey game -- a rare and thrilling and, yes, epic feat for any basketball team to achieve.

even more rare and epic? we fucking won.

and thus, a midweek stretch full of win reached its logical, inevitable and awesome conclusion, and i come to you now happy, slightly exhausted, and ready for the weekend. vaya con dios, hombres.
fight, nhl, wild, boogaard

you got a date wednesday, baby

i'm hearing rumors that we've started an entirely new year. or we did a week or so ago, is what they tell me. i would have made my first '09 post already, except the fog of hangover from new year's eve is only just now starting to lift, after applying a long weekend and roughly 450,000 cups of coffee to it.

(every year, i should just make my new year's resolution 'drink an absolute metric fuckton of coffee for a week while i get used to work again', since that one, i never break.)

anyhow, my projection of more awesome for 2009 is bearing up pretty well, a week in, owing to everything from a gopher hockey sweep to making fresh salsa to swing dancing at the northeast palace to last night's adventure: hitting up the parkway for the first showing in their coen brothers series. it was, of course, the big lebowski and, while, between jenni and i we've seen the movie so many times we could recite it verbatim with our heads cut off, there was something just more excellent than usual about seeing it on a big screen, seated on a couch, with a white russian in hand.

and the parkway? they make a hell of a caucasian, jackie.

in an extra bonus, i have two nights of bowling coming up later this week, and, if it wasn't so fucking cold, i'd break out my walter sobchak costume from halloween for one of them. as it stands, though, i will merely have to take walter and the dude's magical run to the semifinals as inspiration for my own throwin' of rocks. that, and a lot of kahlua.

p.s. happy cüddlenacht!
gin ocean, party

party like it's 2009.

hey, dudes: it's the end of the year, in case you hadn't noticed. i will not do an end-of-year recap, since i spent half of yesterday writing a novella about christmas vacation, save to say that 2008 reached levels of awesome that were heretofore scientifically questionable, and that the forecast for 2009 is similar if not more awesome indeed.

oh, and i'll be welcoming the new year much as i did the last: mixing whiskey and champagne and probably either wearing a lampshade, dropping trou, or both.

have a great one, everyone, and we'll see your smiling internet faces on the other side.
celebrating, ray celebrates

the five or six days of christmas

so, dudes, i had roughly 4,000 christmases this year, and all of them were basically awesome. and since i'm doing this whole 'getting back to posting' thing, i see no better way to start than by recapping the collected awesome.

first but by no means foremost: my work christmas party.
i've managed, over the last two years, to be in las vegas and key west during this; alas, i had no such tropical luck this year, and wound up on the campus of lovely gustavus adolphus university instead. and around which campus i drove roughly 4.5 times the circumference of the whole thing looking for the appropriate building, since i failed to do things like 'check the invite' or 'study a map of a place i'd never been before' prior to going. once i landed, though, it was all worth it, if only because our entertainment was a dad-and-daughter singing team with a karaoke band-in-a-box set, who sang discomfitingly creepy duets like 'jackson' in between slightly forced holiday cheer. all in all, though, it beat working.

and then, there was jenni's work christmas party, which is basically the complete opposite of mine.
longtime readers around here know the drill: her boss goes all out and then some, buying dinner and (lots of) drinks for the staff + significant others, then giving her employees a bunch of free money and sending the whole crew out into the wilds of the mall of america with a mandate to buy as much shit as possible as quickly as possible, before reconvening, sharing all the details, and getting wildly drunk until going to the company-purchased hotel rooms.

we were, clearly, up to the challenge, even after some champagne, and some rum, and some manhattan-in-a-can (not recommended), and some manhattan-in-a-glass (recommended), and wound up with a very nice bottle of cabo wabo, tickets to see reel big fish and p.o.s., and the guitar hero world tour band set. due to a couple odd twists and turns, i also discovered just how far a fat kid can carry a giant box of plastic instruments around the country's biggest mall: 1.5 times, before feeling like collapsing.

with work out of the way, it was family time.
we swapped gifts at home first, since they were just right there under the tree, after all, and the next day hit jenni's family's house for our fourth pre-christmas-christmas. it was my first holiday (aside from thanksgiving) out there, and was a ton of fun. in addition, as an only child myself, i spent the better part of a couple hours being amazed by the exponential increase in the size of the wrapping paper pile when there's six people opening gifts.

after that excellent evening of gifts and jenni's dad telling cop stories, i had to schlep to work for another day before departing to my parents' place for my one out-of-town christmas of the year. 'twas a blessedly easy day of work, and the shit-ass road conditions abated enough that i had pretty much no problem making the trip south-dakota-ward, despite my mom's fervent belief that there was basically nothing i could do to prevent instant and cold death during the long journey down paved, well-maintained and snow-free federal highways.

but i made it.
after proving her wrong and hanging out for the evening, i slept in on christmas eve, waking up in time to experience a new and weird tradition: christmas eve church service in the middle of the day. as you may have gathered, i'm not a big church guy, but my parents are, and i like the tradition and the christmas-song-singing, and, to be honest, i enjoy gettin' my suit on, looking fly, and making quiet mental fun of the people who change into their nice dale earnhardt jacket for the service.

following this merriment, we headed home and awaited jenni's arrival from her last day at work; she made it, though not without the sort of knee-knocking, white-knuckle moments that happen when you go from city driving to plowing through unlit, snow-drifting roads in the actual middle of nowhere (seriously, i suspect that when you query google maps for 'nowhere,' the stretch of 212 between goodwin and kranzburg, south dakota, is what comes up). clearly, it was thus time for whiskey and pizza and presents galore, which were galoreful indeed. especially when it came to the kitchen: as a result of all the christmases, i now have: an alton brown signature salt cellar and a molcajete (from jenni), a meat grinder for the kitchenaid and a bottle of macallan (from her fam), a new knife sharpener and probe thermometer (from the folks, among an embarrassingly large amount of other stuff), and not one but two new ice buckets for the bar.

we call that 'pimp-tastic.'

after this excellentness, we crashed, and spent all of christmas day doing very wholesome things like sudoku, learning to play pinochle, refreshing memories on how to crochet (well, that was jenni and my mom), and, aside from the vegetarian girlfriend, eating a steak the size of a baseball glove, but much more tender. friday involved way more shopping-related-things than anyone should do the day after christmas, and also an impromptu reunion of people from my high school at starbucks, a trip to the massage chairs in the watertown mall, more pinochle, and, after dinner, our annual watertown bar run. we started at watertown's finest only brewpub, dempsey's, which was just utterly and completely packed with people i remembered in a vague way, all there to see my old high school buddy dan, who i actually had no idea was playing. we attempted to check out his set, but got about five songs in before (a) my parents decided to call it a night and (b) we became immensely annoyed with the lack of anyone coming around to sell us drinks, and so, onward and upward jenni and i went ...

... to the notorious harbor bar. site of at least three fights per weekend night, former home of one of our house decorations, and current home of 9-11pm two-for-ones and the chuck norris shot, which i can't really explain except that it's a roundhouse kick of booze. and that one was more than enough for the evening, and the energy drink component kept us going through an entire evening of watertown bar-crawl, which, every time it happens, is the funniest night out i can remember.

we decamped from the harbor pre-fight, and got home early so as to head to grandma's perilously close to 8am the next day. the drive down was long but uneventful, thankfully, and we got to spend some time with grandma -- my last remaining one, she's 99, can't see very well, and is still one of the most awesome people ever. and has a way better memory than anyone else in my family. we also showed jenni around the tiny towns and very large farms where my parents grew up, and, aside from my favorite bar ever being closed, it generally ruled.

oh, and then there was the pheasant that flew into my dad's grill (on the car; my dad is not, to my knowledge, a gold-toothed dj), and which we carried, folded over, in said grill for like ten miles. oops.

and, finally, having re-entered civilization, it was time to hit the dakota sioux casino for a final-night-in-town blowout. which is precisely what happened, insofar as i lost $20 on slots while jenni doubled her money, and then both of us proceeded to spend 20 minutes just killing the blackjack tables. i got my original stake back in four hands, and then added another $100 to it, while jenni cashed out $80 ahead, and we went to dance with my folks and enjoy the glory of $3.75 johnnie walker blacks the rest of the night.

so, gang, if there's one thing i've learned this christmas, it's this: there are no greater gifts than friends, family and vacation ... except for a bunch of free money and really cheap scotch.

p.s. if you don't want to read quite all that, you can just go right to the damn pictures of the watertown trip.
comingback, minnesota



what's up?

it's ... i've ... well, it's been a while. like, months. i managed to get myself out of the habit of regular posting, and the more i didn't do so, the more it felt like a ridiculous and sisyphean task to recommence. that, and, to be honest, i kind of got sick of writing.

much has happened in the intervening months; looking at the time/date of my last post, it appears it was made before we even moved into our awesome house, which, holy crap. in the meantime, there's also been some sort of election, and a hell of a lot of hockey games, and even more bars, and a fair amount of rock 'n roll, and weekly bowling, and, in the last week, about eight different christmas-type things, which continue with jenni's family celebration tonight, and then a trip back to south dakota tomorrow for a few days with mom and dad.

in short, though i have not commented, things have basically been the usual level of awesome, if slightly colder. and, with the holidays and the new year and accompanying resolution-ish things happening, 'tis my resolution to start documenting the awesome in a more detailed and potentially entertaining way again. not sure if it'll be here or elsewhere -- the other blogger in our house is in the midst of a torrid affair with wordpress, so i may look in that direction, but, fear not, y'all will be the first to know where to find me. (facebook and twitter are good places to start.)

and now, off to do the three days of work that i've got a day and a half to do pre-holiday. keep on rockin', dudes, and i will see you in the '09.
me and mr toast


I like this one.

When you see this, quote Douglas Adams in your journal.

I couldn't pick between these two, so there's a long one:
"It is known that there are an infinite number of worlds, simply because there is an infinite amount of space for them to be in. However, not every one of them is inhabited. Therefore, there must be a finite number of inhabited worlds. Any finite number divided by infinity is as near to nothing as makes no odds, so the average population of all the planets in the Universe can be said to be zero. From this it follows that the population of the whole Universe is also zero, and that any people you may meet from time to time are merely the products of a deranged imagination."

And a short one, which is one of my favorite sentences in all of literature:
"The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't."


Aside from ironic musings about the nature of the universe and/or bricks, 'tis a nice uneventful Thursday. Only three times have work people called to ask me about things I'd have no reason knowing about except that they happen on computers and I write Web site code, which is a nice reduction over the number of times that usually happens in a given morning. So I've got that going for me.


In other news, Burn After Reading was kind of fantastic, and you should see it post-haste. Not quite a Coen Brothers classic, but deeply entertaining nonetheless (particularly for the last scene). And, in an excellent side effect, watching it made me want to go back and re-watch a whole bunch of Arrested Development, which, after the soporific effects of my steak frites and Jenni's chili cheese fries took effect last night, is exactly what we did. Tonight looks to be another early evening, as I'll be chauffeuring my ladyfriend to the opening of the Breast Cancer 3-Day at roughly oh-shit o'clock in the morning. (Well, 4:00. That's close enough.) Between now and then, however, stands a day of van-decorating (her end) and work + bowling (mine), so I shall now depart, and wish nothin' but the best of luck to all my friends around here participating in said 3-Day. Vaya sin blisters, y'all.
me and mr toast


holy crap, dudes, it's been an entire month since i've typed in this li'l ol' box. this is partly a consequence of getting sort of burnt out on the whole idea of blogging, and partly a consequence of, lately, having to spend way more of my time at work doing actual work. which, on balance, is okay with me, but it does leave perilous little time for, y'know, this sort of thing.

fortunately, i've had plenty of time for much else. in the last month:

• i ate my weight in fried food and experienced political crop art at the state fair.

• i attended the races at elko speedway, which featured school-buses racing in figure eights and a truck towing a camper jumping over a ramp and through another camper, which was precisely as incredibly awesome as it sounds. and about 8000% more awesome than the weird aspiration-to-southern-baptist-redneck vibe of the crowd.

• we escaped the twin cities for a deeply excellent labor day camping weekend and returned only to find it turned, however briefly, into a republican-convention-induced police state. despite this, we got to see atmosphere, mos def and rage against the machine in concert, the latter being one of the best shows i've ever seen in spite of the fact that the street outside was closed off by riot cops.

• i commenced one bowling league, was memorialized by my boys in another, found a house to move to, went to roughly 500 different bars including one with a wall of 100 tequilas, finally stopped spending most of the day sweating thanks to the falling temperatures, and fell off a barrel.

• in addition, the twins gained then lost then gained then lost the al central lead something like six times; the vikings proved that, no matter what, you can always be slightly more disappointing than last week; arsenal lost horribly, won spectacularly, and won even more spectacularly; and the gophers hockey team deigned to sell us tickets for ten games in the next seven months or so, thus adding the hockey countdown to our already exciting moving and going-to-vegas countdowns.

• and, as you may have heard, the entire american economy is falling apart and my favorite author of all time committed suicide, which is just pretty awful all around.

despite this, however, it's been a month full of pretty much all ridiculous awesomeness, as, y'know, they tend to be. and fear not, friends, for i've been reading all y'all's blogeration fairly consistently. and, while work and the aforementioned burnoutish feeling may keep me from daily typing here, i'll be around. (and if you need a more frequent matty cash fix, there's always twitter and the book of face.) consider yourselves warned awesome.